Monday, December 15, 2008

The Most Difficult Decision

On November 19 we received a call. It was outside of our "parameters", but we listened anyway. It was for three children. Three beautiful children whose parents are not able to parent them anymore.

We had not considered three children. We have always said 1 or 2, and maybe one day in the future we would have a third. But we started considering it. We thought these kids would have each other and that could only help the transition to a new place with a new family and a new language, etc. We pictured them in our home and looked up the ESL program in our local school district. We talked with a doctor who specializes in international adoption, we talked with others, we read, etc. We looked into the region where they are from, looked into traveling there for an initial visit and we asked follow up questions. We prayed, thought and talked a lot knowing it was the most important decision we would ever make.

Long story short, we said "no". How do you say no to human beings? In the end I guess we concluded that it was too much. We were afraid of attachment and bonding issues and we were afraid of immediately being outnumbered. Although we know many families who have three children and we know families who have adopted three from another country, we do not feel prepared for the challenges. Our hope is that there is another family out there that is ready and looking for three children and these kids will be placed into a great home and have the family they deserve.

We hoped that making this decision would be a weight off our shoulders and that we would know it felt "right" after we finally communicated our decision. But my immediate thought was that I wanted to retract our decision and it has been tough to think about it ever since.

Forgive me for taking so long to post, but it has been quite a roller coaster. In any event, we are back to waiting.

On a lighter note…the holidays are coming up and we couldn't be happier about it. There are some super exciting things going on that I will post in further detail about soon. In short, I made partner at my firm and we are going on a fantastic celebratory vacation. Also, this weekend we have three holiday parties in a row. What previously seemed like it might be the most difficult Christmas ever, is now seeming like one of the most fun and memorable.



Hang in there. Making the right decision for your family is not always the easiest. The emotional roller coaster of the adoption process (as you well know) is harder to go through than anyone can imagine -- even with the best preparation and shared experiences from others. God has plan for those children and He has a plan for your family. It may not be an easy road, but it is well worth the wait.

Thanks for the update and I can't wait to hear your exciting news. Congratulations on making partner!

Merry Christmas!

TNjoy said...

I am so glad to hear that things are moving along. I wish you a very Merry Christmas and blessed New Year.

kelly said...

Thinking of you!

sarah said...

No one talks much about the heavy heart that a turned-down referral leaves... it is such a big part of the emotional roller coaster ride of international adoption. I remember feeling extremely emotionally drained and simply exhausted.

Hang in there - it sounds like you have a lot of personal successes to celebrate over the Christmas season. Congratulations, and Merry Christmas!

Jessi said...

It is difficult to turn down a referral! We turned down two for various reasons and you have to make the right decision for you and your husband.

I am sending a prayer that the right children are on their way!